Deep Thoughts

I don't buy magazines. The only subscription I have is to the Ensign (LDS magazine). I also receive a couple of parenting magazines. But as far as fashion and gossip magazines, I prefer to spend my money in a different way. I am not going to lie, I will flip through the pages of Allure, People Magazine, and others as I wait to check out at Target or the grocery store. I always feel like crap after taking a glance, because all the women on their pages are beautiful and skinny. I hate that feeling. I am so hard on myself.

Growing up I was always obese. There was only a couple of times where I got down to a descent weight. I was inactive and well, I enjoyed food way too much. I look back and wonder why I lived my life that way. Then, I try to remember that I have come far, oh so far. I can run 13+ miles without breaks, I have lost a lot of weight and still, it is not good enough. I always focus on the negative. To be honest, I think I have an eating disorder. I always feel so guilty when I go over 1200 calories. I can never ENJOY a piece of pizza without shame or eat a regular meal without feeling like it's too much. I do anything and everything to avoid eating food that to my eyes is fattening. I step on the scale almost daily, which is stupid because our weight fluctuates every day. I have made so many changes in our diet. We hardly eat red meat. We have gone about half a year without McDonalds, we really don't consume butter and the list can go on and on. You see, compared to the typical American, my family and I eat quite healthy.

But when I look at myself in the mirror I still see a BIG girl. Why? I think society is so hard on us, women. Women are so hard on women. We look at magazine models and they look so different, so "beautiful." I know most of those pictures are photoshopped and not 100% real, but I always have the desire to look like them. What can I do to stop hurting myself with all my negative thoughts? How can I enjoy a normal meal without pain. I need help.